We all know that motherhood today is quite different from motherhood in the good old days. Moms today are way more involved.   On paper, it seems like this is a good thing. We take interest. We pay attention. We know what are kids are doing in school and afterwards. Over the years, we co-ordinate teams of experts pretty much from "mommy and me" to "college counselors"   to make sure that the kids have a talent in something, can swim and play sports, never fail a class and get into college. 

   The term is helicopter mom. I don't think that I am one of them but I certainly have to stay on top of everything that the minors in my home are doing, tell them what to do most of the time and yell about stuff a lot.  Maybe I am hovering a bit but it is too late to stop now. We are almost at the finish line.  Over the next three years, G-D willing, both of my kids will get accepted to college (in another city)  and I can be pretty much done.  Sure I'll have to fund their lives, but not continue to manage their lives, right? 

   When I went to college, my parents drove me up, dropped off my stuff in my dorm room and then headed to their hotel bar for some celebratory cocktails. I'm sure that they were toasting each other to something like  "one down, one to go".  I did not want them to unpack or decorate my dorm room and they did not offer.  I wanted them to leave town and let me start my life.   Obviously I depended on them for the rest of college for financial support (and once in a while advice) but they were not involved in my day-to-day operations during my University years or anytime after that.

Mug from nordstrom

    These days, it appears that the helicopter moms don't land when their kids go off to college. In fact, they seem way too involved.  According to my research, which mostly consists of the reading of Facebook posts of my friends, mothers today not only drop their kids off at college on the first day, they must help them decorate their dorm rooms so that they look Pinterest worthy. This does not appear to be a one shot deal either. Some of my friends move their kids into their new digs every single year of college and help them decorate.  Huh? I don't think that my parents even saw where I lived after my sophomore year at college. They just kept sending checks. It was the perfect arrangement. 

    Then there are the weekends visiting. Not just once a year. These parents are heading into college towns for multiple visits per school year. I love my folks but I specifically recall that when they did visit, it seriously put a crimp in my style.  Sure the annual visits which included some fancy meals and some shoe shopping were great but I was happy when they hightailed it back home so I could continue with my college life.  And it was not just me. I don't ever remember any of my roommates or sorority sisters getting more than one visit a year from anyone in their families, if that. 

     Another friend whose son is a college freshman bragged that her son and she text all day long.    I think that it is great that they communicate but isn't he supposed to be making friends and learning how to play beer pong. If he wanted to talk to his mom all day, maybe he should have saved her the $60,000 a year (this is a true figure) and gone to community college. 

     Even worse, a Facebook friend of mine posted photos of herself  at her daughter's law school orientation.  I went to law school and I don't remember ever meeting (or even hearing about) anyone's parents unless they were hiring law clerks. Is my friend going to sneak into court for her first trial? Will she yell at the Judge if he rules against her baby?  Let's hope not.

    Another friend's son recently got accepted to college. This was exciting news because he did not always seem to be the college-bound type. I called her up to tell her how jealous I was that she was done with the college planning and  to say "Mazel Tov! Congrats! You did it! The bird is leaving the nest!" Instead of being excited she is already fretting about what she is going to line up for him after college. "What is he going to do for the rest of his life?", she cried.   

    Seriously, isn't that what kids are supposed to figure out in college.   

* I reserve the right to delete this post in the very near future when my sons become college bound!

   

Letting them be Pizza

Pizza 

       I spoke to my sister yesterday while she was in the midst of costume shopping with her five year old. He wanted to be a slice of pizza for Halloween. She thought it was a dumb costume. 

     "Should I just give in and let him be the slice of Pizza?", she asked. "Of course you should", I answered. It seemed like a no-brainer to someone with 10 more years of mom-experience more than she.   "He should be able to express himself however he wants", I smugly added.

      Remember that I have two teenaged sons. We are pretty much past the days of me telling them what to do. There are certainly family rules but I am mile away from telling them what I think that they should dress up as for trick-or-treating. Like really far. 

      I'm in the middle of high school parenting and all  that this brings. They pick their wardrobes, hairstyles, friends and activities without any input from me. 

     I figured that where to go to college was going to be a joint decision but I think that I am wrong. The college fair was coming to my son's school this week. Before we went, I highlighted the schools on the list that I thought he should visit at the fair. He made his own list. I think that there was one school that we both had on our lists. 

       Obviously I'm older and wiser. I know more about college than he does. I'm the one who will be paying. I will be the one wiping away the tears or holding this biggest party once those rejection or acceptance letters start appearing during his senior year. However, I have to let him be the pizza.

     Other than nagging and coaxing about what he has to do this year to get ready to send out applications next fall , the work is really up to him. He has to study for his classes, study for the SAT, fill out the applications, write the essays, etc. He has to try to figure out where he can get in and make a plan about the next few years of his life. He is the type of kid who will be happy wherever he lands. Where you go to college is not an irreversible decision but a pretty big one, especially in the life of a teenager.

  Letting them be pizza is easier said then done. Will someone pass the parmesan cheese?

A new trend in parenting?

When I went off to college, my mom drove in my car with my stuff and my dad followed in his car with more of my crap.  They  helped me haul my tons of junk into my dorm room and then headed off to the cocktail lounge at the Holiday Inn where they stayed one night and then went back home to have a "we have one less kid in the house" party. When they drove away, there was money in my newly opened bank account so that I could get what I needed for my college life.

 My husband's parents may have waived goodbye to him in the driveway when he took off for his freshman year, but they definitely did not drive his crap up there for him. Their party started before he reached the expressway because he was the last of four kids to head off to University.

Moms today seem way more involved in the college drop off.   Last month my Facebook feed was full of photos of  nicely decorated dorm rooms put together by moms. One friend posted a picture of all of her hard work and noted that the sleeping figure in the dorm room was her son who napped the entire time.   Another friend could be the editor of Beautiful dorms and Gardens Magazine if they had one. She was certainly going for some type of award with her amazing hard work for her son's temporary room.

I can see going up to school with your freshman and moving him in and all, but according to my very scientific research (Facebook), this pattern seems to be repeated during every fall of the college experience.  One friend's daughter started school in the summer and had to change dorms again for the fall term. Her parents and siblings all went up to school and moved and re-decorated for her again.  Another friend spent days setting up her son's  junior year apartment. 

Still another friend who has a daughter who is at a college here in Miami but lives in the dorm told me "I can't meet for lunch today because I  have to figure out how to hang a flat screen television in my daughter's sorority dorm room". "Isn't that what fraternity boys are for?", I thought to myself.

After my initial move to college, I moved from dorm to dorm to apartment to apartment.  My parents would visit once a year during parent's weekend but they never helped me move and I certainly did not ask them to help. (Isn't that what fraternity boys were for?) I'm sure that they checked out my living arrangements during those yearly visits just to make sure that said fraternity boys were not living in my apartment, but they were not involved in much more than paying for the places. I'm positive that my roommates and I had to find out who to call to get the power and phone turned on without mom's help. We had to  write checks for rent and expenses (even though Dad was paying).  We had to figure it out. 

I'm wondering if this is the new normal. Are the people I know just a little nutty or is this nationwide?  My friends seem normal and their kids are all gifted/talented/genius so it's not like their children could not figure this all out themselves. Is this just a continuation of the "helicopter parenting" that I keep trying not to practice? If I send my son off to college someday and don't decorate his dorm room, is he going to think I suck or is he going to actually be glad that I'm letting him fly off on his own? 

Luckily I won't have to deal with this for a couple of years but I'm wondering if anyone has any experience or opinions.